Monday, May 15, 2006

 

Official Manifesto

We, the Citizen Coalition for Standards in Bathroom Tissue (also known as the Citizen's Toilet Paper Brigade) have noticed a steady decline in this nation's morals and values when it comes to our bathroom tissue. What used to be a simple, quality product brought to us by the paper companies of this great nation has turned into a confusing mess of choices. Roll size, sheets per roll, one ply, two ply, quilted, cushioned; who needs this many choices for a simple daily task?

This confusion has lead to an astounding tailspin of American social and moral values. Gay marriage, homosexual relations, net neutrality, terrorism, domestic wiretapping, premarital sex, sexually-transmitted diseases, foul language, high gas prices, corrupt politicians, and many of the other issues that plague our great society can all be traced back to one thing: toilet paper. It's time that we made a stand.

We need to make our leaders accountable and bring America back to its former glory. We're tired of all this crap, and it's time to wipe it up. Once the bathroom tissue problem is resolved, the rest of the country will fall in line and our problems will be solved, one by one.

It's time we made a stand for what we believe in. Bookmark this site. Subscribe to our RSS feed. Stand up for clarity in toilet paper, so that we can restore America to its former glory.

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